[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
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While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
reminder
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.