“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
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At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
My kitchen overserved me.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
do what now??
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?