My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
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I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*