All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
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me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.