imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
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I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
wish me luck lads
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
My blood type is b hungry.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
your honor my client chooses dare
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak