Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
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me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Many hands make light work
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs