God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
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Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
my nickname in college
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Isn’t
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.