Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
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I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Straight people are cancelled
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”