I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
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The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Living the best life.. 😊
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair