Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
You Might Also Like
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
These 3D printers are insane!
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!