I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
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What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Woke up against my better judgment again
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.