“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
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Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself