Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
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Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.