ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
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I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Human are so complicated
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear