Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
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Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.