Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
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What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.