ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
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i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!