wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
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The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Botany good plants lately?
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!