I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
You Might Also Like
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?