My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
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“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
craving $300 all of a sudden
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Good Morning.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.