My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
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If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.