A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
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Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.