Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
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When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?