I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
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for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?