Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
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Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry