whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
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*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.