Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
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“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT