I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
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Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them: