Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
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I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
this will hang in the louvre one day
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
They say women only use 10% of their anger
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”