this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
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just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
no cat here
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.