me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
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Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.