If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
You Might Also Like
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.