That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
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I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
adding to the discourse
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.