Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
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I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
We avoided this particular disaster
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?