Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
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[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.