all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
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What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
the icebreaker
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????