You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
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Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.