me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
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My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?