Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
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Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET