“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
You Might Also Like
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Chicago sounds lovely.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.