How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
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me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”