I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
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me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
How to woo a woman
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.