I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
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IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods