accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
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How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD