I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
You Might Also Like
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.