cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
You Might Also Like
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”