god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
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Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Leaving the Barbers like
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.