Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
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7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.