An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
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Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.