Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
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Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]